“Loneliness is a subjective feeling. It’s the gap between the social connections you would like to have and what you feel you actually have,” says Jeremy Nobel, MD, MPH, the founder and president of the Foundation for Art & Healing in Boston, a lecturer and public health researcher at Harvard Medical School and the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health in Boston, and the author of Project UnLonely: Navigate Loneliness and Reconnect With Others.
The thing about loneliness, Dr. Nobel says, is that it can become a vicious cycle. As you get lonelier, the world starts appearing more and more threatening, causing you to retreat even further.
That’s why it’s so important to break the cycle and take steps to ease feelings of loneliness when they crop up. Here’s what you can do.
1. Change the Way You Think About Loneliness
It’s common to think you’re flawed, or inadequate, or that something’s wrong with you because you’re lonely, Nobel says. But that isn’t true. Loneliness is a biological signal.
“Loneliness is a sign that we need human connection, just like thirst is a signal of dehydration,” he says. With that in mind, being lonely is nothing to be embarrassed or self-conscious about, just as you don’t feel ashamed to admit you’re hungry or thirsty.
Shifting your mindset in this way may not immediately make you feel less lonely, but it can help ease the distress that accompanies loneliness and the behaviors that reinforce it.
Try it right now: The first step is to recognize your negative feelings about loneliness and offer yourself compassion instead.
“When you’re feeling lonely, try placing a gentle hand on your heart or anywhere else that feels more comfortable or compassionate, like your cheek or arm,” says Brooke Schwartz, LCSW, the founder and clinical director of Sawtelle Psychotherapy Group in Los Angeles.
This kind of touch activates the parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest and digest” network of nerves) and oxytocin release, which helps soothe distress and increase your sense of security, Schwartz says.
Also, try replacing negative thoughts, such as “I’m lonely because there’s something wrong with me” with neutral or positive thoughts, like “It’s okay to feel lonely” or “Loneliness is nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about,” Schwartz says.
2. Identify the Type of Loneliness You’re Feeling
Try it right now: Ask yourself what type of loneliness you’re experiencing: Are you craving a personal connection with someone? Feeling like you don’t “fit in”? Or are you searching for something that connects you to a larger purpose? Keep in mind that you can experience multiple types of loneliness at once, Nobel says. But homing in on the specific cause of your feelings can help you identify the best next steps.
3. Challenge Negative Thoughts About Socializing
Many people who feel alone have social connections, but may struggle to deepen their relationships because of concerns about rejection, says MaryEllen Eller, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist in Ooltewah, Tennessee. Working to recognize these thought patterns and form new, more positive thoughts around socializing can make it easier to connect with others and ultimately feel less lonely.
Try it right now: Notice negative thoughts, such as, “If my friends really wanted to spend time with me, I would’ve heard from them,” or “If I don’t put myself out there again, I can’t be rejected,” Schwartz says.
Then label them by saying, “That was an automatic thought and not necessarily the truth.” Next, rephrase the thought to make it more balanced. For example: “Maybe it’s true that friends reach out if they want to spend time with you, and it’s also true that there are other reasons people don’t reach out.”
Cognitive interventions like these can change how you see the world and yourself, Schwartz says. They may not ease loneliness instantly, but they can help stop the cycle of negative thoughts and behaviors that can make loneliness chronic.
4. Pursue Something You’re Passionate About
Get involved with an activity or hobby that interests you. Join a book club or knitting circle, or sign up for a cooking or yoga class. This puts you around other like-minded people, and relationships often grow organically from there, Dr. Eller says.
This is age-old advice for good reason, Nobel says. “It’s not necessarily the shared interest that connects you to another person,” he says. “It’s a starting point. It puts you in touch with each other so you can connect on other human levels.”
Try it right now: Do you enjoy being outdoors? Playing sports? Singing or dancing? Join a local hiking group, recreational basketball league, or choir.
5. Spend Time With Animals
“A pet can also be an incredible tool for building relationships,” Eller says. She recalls working with an elderly man who had recently moved and was feeling lonely. He adopted a dog and committed to going to the dog park once a day. This helped him make friends and led to other social opportunities, like dinner invitations. “Over the course of one month, his mood significantly improved,” Eller says.
6. Get Out Into Nature
Try it right now: Schedule a weekend hike at a local preserve or nature trail, or simply stroll around a park on your lunch hour. Take it a step further by joining a local birding or walking group and commit to attending meet-ups.
7. Give Back to Your Community
“Volunteering is an incredible way to build community, social connection, and deepen relationships,” Eller says.
Getting involved in this way, especially for a cause you’re passionate about, can help ease all types of loneliness, Nobel says. “You have a sense of purpose, and you also have conversations and interact with others who care about something other than their immediate personal gratification.”
Try it right now: Volunteering can take many forms. Look into local volunteer-powered organizations like Habitat for Humanity or Meals on Wheels, join your local PTA, become a tutor or mentor, or simply offer a hand to a neighbor who needs help with things like yardwork or babysitting.
8. Increase Your ‘Micro-Interactions’
If you’re new to an area or just haven’t socialized in a while, it can be helpful to start small by increasing the number of “micro-interactions” you have each day, Eller says.
Try it right now: “Talking to your barista or offering a compliment to a stranger while waiting for your coffee can be a great place to start,” Eller says. “Small acts of kindness deepen our feelings of connection.”
9. Seek Professional Help
A therapist may use cognitive behavioral therapy to help you recognize the thoughts and behaviors that are contributing to your loneliness, and then help you change these patterns, Schwartz says.
They may also employ something called “emotional exposure,” which aims to make loneliness feel less threatening. “Emotional exposure helps clients ride the wave of emotions to prove to themselves that feelings aren’t dangerous and are temporary states that inevitably pass,” Schwartz says.
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