5 Tips to Cope With Unexpected Grief


1. Parenthood

When you become a parent, life fundamentally changes, and you might find yourself grieving a former identity.

“There’s a lot to look forward to, but there’s also a lot you’re letting go of,” Cormier says, including sleep, alone time, quality time with your partner (if you’re partnered), and time with friends.

Grief might arrive when you add a second or third child to your family, too. “There can be some grief or longing for the family dynamic that was there,” says Tori Sacha Cordiano, PhD, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Beachwood, Ohio.

Plus, if you’ve experienced the death of one of your own parents, becoming a parent might stir up grief around missing them, explains Vicki Botnick, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Los Angeles who specializes in grief and loss.

How to Cope Start by naming the grief. “Saying ‘I miss my old life’ does not mean that you don’t love your child or children,” Filipone says. “The grief and the love exist together.” Remind yourself that mixed emotions after becoming a parent are common: Up to 80 percent of new mothers experience sadness and other mood fluctuations in the postnatal period.

Find ways to cultivate your former identity, too. “Caring for a child really drains a lot of gas from your tank,” Cordiano says. “Hold on to the pieces that allow you to feel connected to the life that you had before, the things that fill the tank back up.”

You might not be able to swing full nights off or solo trips right away, but maybe you can find time for a 20-minute walk, a coffee on your own before anyone else wakes up, or a peaceful shower without interruptions, Filipone says.

If your grief is for a person who’s no longer with you, consider making a photo album or writing down stories about the person. Then you can share these keepsakes with your child to acknowledge your lost loved one’s meaning in your life, Botnick suggests.

Consider talking to a mental healthcare professional, too. They can help you develop other skills and strategies to navigate these feelings.



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